Suck Less: Where There's a Willam, There's a Way Read online

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Foreword by Neil Patrick Harris

  Introduction

  1. How to Suck Less at MAKEUP

  2. How to Suck Less at BEING A HAIRLESS CREATURE OF GOD

  3. How to Suck Less at COVERING SKIN PROBLEMS

  4. How to Suck Less at ZITS

  5. How to Suck Less at LEAVING THE HOUSE

  6. How to Suck Less at TATTOOS

  7. How to Suck Less at PIERCINGS

  8. How to Suck Less at HAIR

  9. How to Suck Less at SHOES

  10. How to Suck Less at LOOKING RIGHT

  11. How to Suck Less at GETTING FAMOUS/INFAMOUS

  12. How to Suck Less around FAMOUS PEOPLE

  13. How to Suck Less at TALKING TO TRAHNZ (Twenty Dumb Drag Questions)

  14. How to Suck Less at STYLE

  15. How to Suck Less at HAVING A GREAT BODY

  16. How to Suck Less at GYM GEAR

  17. How to Suck Less at FOOD

  18. How to Suck Less at MEAL PLANS

  19. How to Suck Less at HAVING THE MUNCHIES

  20. How to Suck Less at SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

  21. How to Suck Less at TRUST

  22. How to Suck Less at BREAKUPS

  23. How to Suck Less at DIGITAL DATING

  24. How to Suck Less at REBOUNDING

  25. How to Suck Less at WHORAL SEX

  26. How to Suck Less at ANAL

  27. How to Suck Less at COMING OUT

  28. How to Suck Less at HAVING A NICE HOME

  29. How to Suck Less at ROOMMATES

  30. How to Suck Less at THROWING PARTIES

  31. How to Suck Less at CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES

  32. How to Suck Less at ENTERTAINTING

  33. How to Suck Less at YOUR CAREER

  34. How to Suck Less at SOCIAL MEDIA

  35. How to Suck Less at INSULTING SOMEONE EFFECTIVELY

  36. How to Suck Less at REVENGE

  37. How to Suck Less at NOT LETTING PEOPLE KNOW YOU’RE DUMB

  Dragtionary

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Newsletters

  Copyright

  Possession is nine-tenths of ownership, so…

  This book is dedicated to

  (Your Name Here)

  PS: Feel free to color me, and tag a bitch on Instagram @Willam. And if it doesn’t suck, I’ll repost it. If you have a big enough dick, just shove a Sharpie between your cock and balls, and paint like those gifted elephants, who are like an endangered species, too. I guess

  FOREWORD

  by NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

  Willam helped me win a Tony.

  She probably goes around claiming she was solely responsible for my winning a Tony (and I’m not talking about Romo or Hawk or Danza or Shalhoub—as fun as that would be). She’d be lying (and not on her back, for once). But when I signed up to portray Hedwig on Broadway I knew that, considering I’d never donned drag once in my life, I’d need a bit of help.

  Nay, I’d need a shit ton of help. I was (still am) a massive fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race and marveled at the unbridled confidence and fearlessness of each season’s girls, but there was one in particular whose brain I really wanted to pick, whose lessons I really wanted to learn. When Latrice Royale told me to fuck myself, I called Willam.

  I kid. It was always Willam. She had me mesmerized from the first moment I saw her on screen. There is something absolutely undeniable about her charisma, wit, style, cuntiness, and beauty (not necessarily in that order). I needed to learn from the master—er, mistress.

  And, gurrrrl, did she deliver. I truly couldn’t have been a believable woman without her. She taught me how to sway my hips when I walk. How to work a wig. How to tape my junk to my taint. How to kneel like a lady. How to not have my eyes water when I was gagging. How to cut a prostitute enough to make him bleed and keep his mouth shut but not enough to make him bleed out and keep his eyes shut. Helpful stuff like that.

  So if you’re reading this book for tips, you’re in great hands. They may be missing a fake nail or three and shaking from withdrawals, but the advice will be invaluable.

  Willam rules.

  Remember them.

  N

  INTRODUCTION

  “Hello, blood relatives, the black girls who work at TSA, homosexuals, and those fag-adjacent.”

  “OHMYGOD, YOU’RE SO PRETTY!”

  “HOW DO YOU WALK IN THOSE?”

  “CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR?”

  Those are three things I hear from strangers every time I go out. The answers are

  “My home has mirrors, so I’m well aware.”

  “Christ’s endless love.”

  “Please stop touching my hair,” because no one actually waits for the answer before the petting zoo begins.

  There’s a special something a lot of drag queens (and the TSA ladies) have that average people don’t. It’s not a laptop in a bag or a lithium battery. It’s a little something extra I call the Zeta Factor. Y’know Catherine Zeta-Jones, right? Oscar winner, trophy wife, bipolar beauty. Well, take away the Zeta and she’s just ol’ Cathy Jones. Ain’t nobody wanna be no Cathy Jones. No, thank you. Ya gotta throw some fuckin’ Zeta into your life and make it sparkle.

  The jungle got the fever from me.

  To find a queen, just follow the trail:

  1. Cock ring/hair elastic

  2. Ciggie butts

  3. Duct tape

  So how does a typical person find their sparkle? Self-reflection in a Zen garden? Sure. That’ll work fine, I bet. Although smart money says that if you’re looking for some sparkle, it may be easier to just find a fucking drag queen. Drag queens, generally, make life better all around. Think of it this way: If you were bored at home and had my number in your phone, wouldn’t you call it? Odds are, your night would be more entertaining. I do all the things you may think twice about before even thinking once. It’s probably better that you don’t do some of those things, but you could always learn from my mistakes or at least borrow my stuff while I’m in jail (here).

  Now, remember: If you do happen to clock* a drag queen in her natural habitat, try to act naturally with no sudden movements (otherwise, she’ll think you have coke). Approach the subject as you would approach any sort of domesticated mammal at, say, a Busch Gardens. The animal can touch you, but make no moves to disturb her/it. Touching a drag queen’s hair, face, phone, or man is not advisable. For instance, if I’m in the room, you’ll always have to keep in mind that any drink in the room belongs to me by default. Maybe your bag, too. Who knows? Maybe I’m lookin’ for mints or something to suck on. You don’t know my life. I probably just need it for a minute for my gig or to… well… it doesn’t matter, really. This isn’t about me (for once). It’s about you and how you can Suck Less at a variety of things drag queens are so much better at than the average person. I’ve got clap backs and life hacks and tips on classing up a simple grab-and-run lifting spree to the much more dignified act of larceny. Super-important life stuff with my own special, secret fag-swag sauce. So welcome to Willam’s School of Bitchcraft and Wiggotry. Class is in session.

  FIND A DRAG QUEEN

  If you need more hands-on advice, please find one of my sisters in your own hood. Here are some places to find drag queens:

  At the CVS, waiting in the razor aisle for an associate to take up more of her fuckin’ day while opening up the lock on the plastic thing with Gillette Mach3 blades.

  Nightclubs on nights when the bar has nothing else going on so they do a drag show and some kinda two-dollar wel
l drink special.

  The mall. Look for frowning faces in black. All those MAC and Sephora fags consider their day jobs contouring concentration camps.

  Their parents’ house (before they move out and once they’ve moved back in).

  Farmers’ markets. Why’d the vegan hooker go to the farmers’ market? She was looking for whoreganic opportunities.

  No retouching—f’real!

  1

  How to SUCK LESS at

  MAKEUP

  HOW TO MAKE A DRAG LOOK WORK IN EVERYDAY LIFE

  In the right light and from across the street, you’d swear I was a real woman. The closer I get, the more apparent it is that I am one of those girls with some skirtsteak. I’m not into heavily painting my face to mask any masc features. While there are some great techniques that can be used that look great in photos or on stage, up close they look more like a Lion King the musical face chart. Instead, I’m a big fan of having a painting party and switching off with friends on each other’s faces. I was lucky enough to have Miss Fame, Mathu Andersen, and Trixie Mattel paint me for some pics in this book, and I learned a lot each time. One thing we all agree on is the first step to any queen’s face should be some good blow. You’re gonna wanna blow your nose real well because you can’t touch it once you start making up your mug. Snot is a gigantic variable and if you have to blow your nose, there goes the whole bull’s-eye of your face.

  This is my personal step-by-step to get into full geish which you can adapt and use as you please for your own showgirl, date night, or prom mode. You can alternate your base and eye to your liking, but the last few steps should be followed unless you’re angling for a mishap. For instance, I like to tuck before I wig up in case my dick-tape gets caught in my hair. Nails should always go on last because if you have to buckle a shoe or give your hose one last tug up, you don’t wanna pop a press-on. I tend to give ninety minutes for a full transformation to walk-out-the-door ready. With the right hairstyle, I can cut that down to as little as thirty minutes, depending on the size of the purse I’ve selected to store the fucks I may or may not chose to give for the evening.

  “It is a known fact that a woman do carry an evening bag at dinnertime. No lady is sure at night.”

  —JUNIOR LABEIJA

  So let’s start. This is what I look like without retouching. I’m not trying to live a lie like Kevyn Aucoin’s Making [Photoshop] Faces book. You know I’m a dude. Plus, Photoshop woulda cost more and and I blew most of the money on strippers and wigs.

  I love makeup so much. My mom never wore any makeup, and so I learned about makeup from my dad—specifically, his porn. The ’90s was a great time to be a whore, and I loved the smoky eyes that almost every Playboy centerfold was sporting.

  I start around my eyes because I like to get a really saturated color and not worry about fallout makeup ruining foundation. I pack a ton on and swoop it out with a makeup wipe. You can also use tape or a business card to get a precise line. If one eye is bolder than the other, it’s fine. No one’s gonna not fuck you ’cause your makeup is uneven. Don’t worry. That’s what doggy style is for.

  1 Rub that eye boogie into your eyelid skin and then take a color similar to whatever the discharge was and highlight your brow bones and inner tear ducts.

  2 Line the top lids of your eyes with a pencil, Sharpie or brush dipped in eyeshadow and spit.

  3 Shut your eye and go over the lash lines with a brush dipped in dark shadow (brown, navy, or charcoal), hitting your upper and lower lids. Following the orbital bones around with the same color works for me. Denying your heritage and just plopping a crease wherever you want on your lids is also an option if you’re eyelids are mini garage doors of creaseless flesh.

  4 This is the point when you correct any dark circles and beards. Warming up the area with an orangey tone works for me because I’m blond. Darker beards should go with a darker color. I also warm up my crease with some of the same color just ’cause I figured I should look like I tried.

  If you think your healthy glow will be permeated by sweat, you could try putting a thin layer of Milk of Magnesia down before all the products. It will literally change the pH of your skin and make it sweatproof. Don’t do this every day unless you want to fuck up your skin. Alcoholism and/or smoking are two other go-to drag queen tactics to really sap your skin of any moisture, which will prevent you from looking anything but your withered, powdered best.

  5 Apply a foundation or concealer one shade lighter than the skin under your eyes, onto the apples of your cheeks, onto the ball and bridge of your nose, and up into the central forehead, and put a dash on the chin. Use a thicker product if you need the coverage due to the fact that you’re rotted. Take better care of your skin and maybe get a facial that doesn’t come out of a bologna pump once in a while?

  6 Apply a foundation or concealer that matches your neck all over everywhere else. You should also decide what you’re wearing at this point because it will determine how far down you need this makeup to go. Some queens do Britney, and their nude illusion is basically a dude’s delusion. Their tights are one color, their midriff and arms another color, their neck and titty area yet another shade, and then their mug. Raven is consistently one color and should be everyone’s barometer for correctness. I hear she dyes her tights to match. Excuses are useless. Suck less.

  7 Now, I’m a very lucky individual. I have more structure in my cheekbones than many have in their entire lives. But contouring can take a girl from a closet-organizing personal shopper who gets pissed on by Brandy’s little brother into, well… someone with really good contouring who just stole all of makeup master Scott Barnes’s tricks. Scott’s skills established JLo’s sparkling signature look, and his shading and highlighting techniques have influenced beauty ideals to where they currently sit. He told me to place my contour color under my cheekbones and along the sides of my nose, my chin, and the perimeter of my forehead. This is the third color in the beige rainbow, from the highlight color through multiple foundation tones up to the contour color. You can also add yet another color with some colored hair spray if you’re trying to blend a mannish hairline into a snatched-back bewigglement on your head. If you’re a first-time-in-drag-at-a-ball-er, use evening time tones with evening shade. Don’t be a daywalker, trying to walk in the day with your newbie contour. Light don’t lie and it will expose the structure under the paint you tried to contour. Think of contour as the paint version of when an MTF just pumps her face full of fillers instead of getting proper facial feminization surgery, which reshapes the bones. It’s like trying to frost a square cake round.

  8 Paint with all the colors of the wind but only if the wind matches your skin tone.

  Now, I know this is a lot. So let’s just put some more shit on shit.

  9 At this point, I apply a light mist of an aerosol foundation and use a puff to blend all the edges and set things. Scream a bit and move your face too so you don’t have those crevices at the corners of your mouth, nostrils, and eyes that may not be reachable without adjusting your stone-cold RBF.

  10 Time to cook! Cooking is putting powders in complementary colors over where you just put the creams. I use a fair-colored loose powder in all the highlight spots. Don’t use HD (high-definition) powder. It shows up as white under a flash.

  11 Put a powder similar in tone to your contour color in the coordinating areas to cement that color in place. Buff it out a little or don’t. You’re gonna be dusty as fuck at this point. You may have to face the fug and just give up. It’s OK if you feel this way. There’s always long bangs, heavy powder, head down, walk fast, no spook (see here).

  12 If you haven’t yet given up, your reward is glitter. I use it to hide my brows a bit and blur any area where my lack of skill and finesse would otherwise be apparent. I put glitter or just a star sticker on pimples all the time. I’d rather have someone say “You have a piece of something shiny on your face” than “Wow, that looks ready to pop.” It’s really a Choose Your Own Advent
ure product. I combine different-size glitters (inset) and then just tap the mixture on.

  Be careful taking glitter off. I got a particularly large fleck in my eye as a teen, slept with it in, and woke up with a bloody, crusted pupil. My parents ended up taking me to LensCrafters to get it out, and I ended up telling everyone they took me to the doctor to get the gay outta me, which led to a rumor I was getting gay-conversion therapy. Use painters’ tape (or the tape you just peeled off your dick) to get most of it off. If you attempt to wash it off without first trying to remove it dry, as soon as water hits it, the glitter will spread everywhere, and no matter how much you wash, you’ll look like one of those Twilight fags in the sun for a day or two.

  13 Put a lick of eyeliner on. If you’ve noticed, we’ve returned to your eyes. Had we finished them altogether in the first steps, the glitter, liquid eyeliner, and lashes would’ve gone to shit with all the sprays and powders that have been flying around. Lashes should be devastating, not dustpans.

  14 Draw your brows on. If you’re a girl and your eyebrows are already where they’re supposed to be to make you pretty, well, fine. Why don’t you spend the time you saved by figuring out how not to bleed from your genitals each month? You’re not better than me!

  15 Dust off your extra powders. This is a great time to text your friends that you’re running late. When you keep people waiting, that basically relays that your time is somehow more important than theirs. I have a Rolex, so my time is actually even more valuable, but still—don’t be a dickhead.